My peace with sadness

Dear sadness.

I hate to feel you. My heart feels heavy, my stomach feels the churn, my head hurts. I feel motion less and feel very empty. There is this wall that shows up cutting me off the outside world. I feel alone and unwanted. I turn inwards and try to process everything, I don’t seek help. You consume my thoughts and make me very less productive. You get the best of me, I can see my thoughts waiver and not able to concentrate on what I need to focus on. My productivity is diminished, I don’t set goals, don’t prioritize myself and identify myself to some one without gratitude for what I have or what I want, how far I have come or how far I need to go. I just feel lost in every sense of the world. I lose sense of time, space and surroundings. It impacts my driving. I run into things. I wander in my thoughts like a kite that lost its string, free floating in the wind with no direction, purpose just waiting to sink back to earth. You make me anxious. You make my legs shiver. You make me question my existence.

I sweat, I shiver, I try to let tears out, but it keeps building inside me. I look for ways to overcome, I exercise, I listen to motivational speech, I listen to podcasts, I read books, I cook, I spend time with kids, I talk to friends, but its only momentarily that I find solace and peace. I get angry and agitated and find everyone irritable. You impede my creativity. You take away my time. My body yearns for touch and acceptance, I look around, I get online, I try to engage with meaningless chatter with strangers half heartedly, I setup online profile, download an app, only to delete the profile and app after few weeks of engagement with no results, as in heart of heart I haven't met any one virtually worth engaging or meet in person after endless chat with small talk, big talk, meaningful talk, selling myself, working it, feeling defeated in the end and wondering why even bother. You make everything meaningless.  I engage in social activities, I meet bright, smart, ambitious smiles that find me very desirable for someone else. You grow on me, deplete me and make me wonder. I challenge myself, setup myself for success, I find crack in the clouds with sunshine with its brightness and warmth momentarily until it rains, and go back to my room unwanted. You make me feel happiness as short as a life of soap bubbles. You make me inconsistent, undesirable and unwanted that reflects on my face  and body. You spiral me down, you hold me back. You make me heavy. You make me empty. You make me wanting and attract people that feel the void as me. You are self prophesizing, self propagating, self overpowering. You make me feel like a fly trapped in a web, the more I struggle and fight you the more tightly you entangle me and chase me like a spider to spread your venom and devour me. I hate you and everything about you. Now that I told you, I will burn you, I will shout out loud to get you out of my system. I will work on keeping you away, I will look out for your dark web, I will stay away from people that make me feel small or unwanted. I will get physically strong. I will keep awareness of my thoughts. I will love myself. I will live life of abundance and not scarcity. I will channel my thoughts on me. There is no escape from you. I need to figure out not escape velocity but escape path. I shall prevail.